I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
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