i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
there were no ball for pong so he bought cat toys..... they had bells in them
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
Randomize
