Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
Yeah. I hotboxed a windbreaker.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
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