My liver just broke up with me...
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
ANNA HAS DISCOVERED EROTIC FANFICTION OF SHARKNADO THIS IS NOT A DRILL
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
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