Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
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