I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize
