I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
Randomize
