If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Randomize
