i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Randomize
