why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
Randomize
