Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
there were at least 5 of us standing around the bathroom stall cheering you on to throw up.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
You are a booty call, not a friend.
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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