lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize
