Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
