Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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