i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Randomize
