Sooo i definitely have a major burn on my chin from kenny's ...stubble from making out for hours while coked up. Pure class.
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
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