and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
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