where am i from again
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
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