I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
She's not a foreskin expert like you
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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