Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
he was CRYING into my vagina
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
I love how my cats smell like pot.
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
I had to cum in my sink.
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
