I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
I queefed so loud it echoed.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
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