True but thats because hes a fetus.
we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
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