We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
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