90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
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