I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
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