They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
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