How does she give head with a nose like that? It looks like she has a plantain stuck in the middle of her face.
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
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