Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
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