Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
