you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
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