Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
Randomize