I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
he just texted me two pictures of his dick. i feel i should rethink whatever vibe im obviously giving out
so is it as big as he says?
he put a tube of toothpaste next to it as a reference. it looks legit
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
Randomize
