Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
Well, it's a fine line between people-watching and boob-staring. It's a gray area. But we're in Paris. Let's leave it at that.
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
Randomize
