Where did you get a picture of my penis
Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
Just had another dream about being on Real Chance of Love. I think it's a sign.
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
Randomize
