I was born with a shot glass in my hand
Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
Just saw the trailer for Spike Lee's version of Oldboy. They filmed a lot of it in A's building so like every scene features a place where I had or almost had sex. If oral counts then pretty much every scene.
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
Randomize
