I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
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