Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
This just in: Jon Gosselin's address-The Alexandra. I bet if we showed up he'd date us.
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
Randomize
