The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
We're pregaming our midterms. Also, when we get our tests back, we're taking a shot for every point we lost. If you're not in, you should just go ahead and transfer.
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
Randomize
