OMG. Drunk.
I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
