How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
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