but seriously ill do anyone in one of those hats with the earflaps.
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
ABOUT TO MAKE THE BIGGEST MISTAKE OF MY LIFE, SEND HELP
Have fun and good luck.
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
Randomize
