I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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