When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
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