dude, she has braces
i meant the dude w the ponytail.
i was less creeped out when i thought you were talking about the 14 y.o.
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
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