I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
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