remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
You can't special order awesome
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
Do you think I should make him wait for my responses or do you think sophomore have no concept of time like dogs?
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
Randomize
