i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
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