I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize