good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
ANNA YOU PEED ON THE STREET. LIKE NOT EVEN SUBTLY. YA JUST SQUATTED IN THE MIDDLE OF THE HIGHWAY. And you flashed your tits to oncoming vehicles to try to get them to pick us up
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
Randomize
