At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
Randomize
