my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
