were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
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