Riding a fattie is like riding a scooter, its ok just not in public.
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
I just looked at the maps icon on my IPhone and "eR" was typed in the search address bar. I wonder if we ever got there.
Everyone was high fiveing on their a walks of shame home. God im gonna miss college life
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
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