Barsexuality is the new black.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
Randomize
