Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
there are LEGIT cum stains on my ceilling. ON THE CEILLING!! you tell me how the relationship was.
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