Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
they night at the roxbarryed us. came out of nowhere,bought us shots, and then the big one licked my hand? we got out of that noise.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Randomize
