Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
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