I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
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