Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
i think we watched the dark knight rises after you left but i might have passed out through most of it. I remember crying at the end though. sad tears then happy tears.
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Randomize
