I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
This girl added me on fb and has all these pics of her kissing her little brother saying i will love you forever. I'm creeped out.
maybe it's her son
thats not any better.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
Randomize