You're completely useless in the revolution.
if there is a rhyme for it it must be true
I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
Randomize